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Men's Issues: Can men be intimate with one another?

By Ken Edelston

What does male intimacy mean? Are there others who walk the walk, rather than just talk the talk?
I have been in mens groups. I have participated in gatherings of men. I have read Robert Bly and Sam Keene. I have heard the words about men uncovering both the feminine and the masculine aspects of self. I have listened to clients tell me about the enlightenment that has come from learning about their true warrior nature. I have male friends and acquaintances who call themselves feminists. I have participated in planning sessions with New Age Men who are more interested in collaboration and consensus than getting something done and are proud of it. Ok, my anger is seeping out…but, you are right. I am angry. I am angry, because I am not really interested in all that New Age crap. I got involved in the so called Men’s movement, because I wanted what the movement promised.

I wanted intimacy with men. No, I didn’t want sex. I didn’t want friends. I had plenty. I didn’t want to find my inner warrior self. I simply wanted to sit down and talk. I wanted to have conversations about everything- my fears, my dreams, my questions, my sexuality, my fantasies, my relationships, my search for meaning…. You know, the stuff that all of us experience and very few of us really talk about. I wanted to talk about competition, ego, women, the pitfalls of the life of the intellect, vulnerability, courage, anger- yes, anger- and I wanted to talk about tears. Actually, I wanted to be angry and I wanted to cry in the company of men, without it being a big deal. I just wanted to be myself, let others be who they are, and compare notes.

Why did I want this with men? Because I do this with women- with my wife, with female friends, with women therapists- and I want this same kind of intimacy with men. Men are different. I don’t want to talk about male sexuality with women. And yes, I want to hear the uniqueness of the male perspective on all the other aspects of life.

So, I tried. And sometimes there were intimate moments, but these moments faded. We said we were being intimate, but we left much unexplored, unsaid, and unchallenged. We talked about how our egos got in the way, but when we were smack dab in the middle of such ego friction, the conversation veered another way. Friendships, deep friendships, came and went, and there was little if any discussion about the coming and going. Irritations and annoyances were sidestepped in favor of safety and vagueness.

Windows of vulnerability opened briefly and shut without explanation. It is the explanation, the talking about conflict, the airing of egotistical competition that I want to hear about. I want to challenge and be challenged. I want to get to the heart of the matter- to move right into that uncomfortable territory that we all tend to shy away from. Some call it the shadow. I don’t really care what it’s called. We all know what it is. We all experience it. Why not talk about it?

Why am I writing this and sending this off on the internet? I am just curious what the response might be. I wonder if there are others who are similarly frustrated. I wonder whether they might just speak up. I wonder whether men can be intimate for more than a few moments or hours.

I wonder about a lot, so what the heck.

About the Author

Ken Edelston MS is a life and business coach. He has extensive experience in counseling teens, adults, and couples. For over 20 years, Ken has specialized in treating the effects of addictions, parenting adolescent issues, and conflict resolution. His coaching practice focuses on helping individuals, families, business persons, and couples identify ineffective patterns of behavior and then exploring and implementing real change.




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